Monday, February 14, 2011
Once a year we're expected to help our son ask his entire kindergarten class to please be his valentine. I'm not sure how sincere a box of Transformer valentines can be with messages such as You're My Optimus Prime Valentine or Bumble Bee Mine scrawled across massive rough-hewn metallic creatures. But woe be to the boy or girl who doesn't bring a valentine for every member of the class. Likewise woe be to any half of a couple who forgets to get at the bare minimum a card. Declaring undying devotion once a year seems to be the least we can do!
All of which points out the obvious irony of celebrating such a day. There are 364 other days of the year that don't carry any duty to declare our love. We can't forget February 14, but we have a pass on the other days (anniversaries excepted). I would argue it's all the other days, the days we aren't obligated to profess our love, that we need to step up and show our appreciation, and very importantly show it to our kids.
We have lots of opportunities to express our love and pride to our children, but we don't always recognize or use those moments. We can do the note slipped into the lunch bag or the big hugs as they get off the bus. We can recognize the good things they do like saying thanks when they perform expected chores and even more especially when they do the unexpected. Spontaneously telling them we love them helps create good self images. Resisting the urge to make corrections and just accept the way things are with praise and thanks becomes one of the hardest things to do. When we ask our kids to clean their rooms, we need to not show disappointment, but say thank you even if it's not clean to our exacting standards.
As parents we take our role as educator and disciplinarian seriously, which often leads to life lessons and corrections. Youth sports only exacerbate these behaviors because it's just a short leap from parenting to coaching. So our immediate reaction to practices, games, and preparation can end up being negative even though we have good intentions. Keeping the idea of a daily valentine in mind can help us find the positives before we leap to the negatives. Give a verbal valentine by saying "You really did a great job of dribbling," or "The coach loved how well you listened" and then adding "I love you." When the team loses a game, resist offering suggestions on how they could have done better or commiserating over the loss right away. Instead point out a positive such as "I'm so proud of how well you passed." And don't forget the healing power of a hug even for the boys.
Several teams encourage their parents to form a human tunnel through which the kids run following a game. That's a positive way to show support win or lose. For older players parents can offer high fives to everyone. Finding opportunities to convey love and pride for our young players can go a long ways to insuring that they continue a positive interest in their sport. Some families have a chalkboard or dry erase board in their kitchen for lists and reminders. Use the board to also write a valentine message such as "Have a great game" or "You're a special kid." It seems so simple, but it makes a huge impact.
Rewarding good behaviors with fun activities can be another valentine to give our kids. If the team has a huge loss, find and celebrate a positive in the event such as having good sportsmanship or not giving up and scoring a goal near the end of the game. Rather than making a trip to get ice cream a consolation prize for losing, make it a reward for some good deed. Give hugs before games since they are unconditional. Say "love you" as often as you say your child's name. When my kids were little we used to signal one another with the sign language for "I love you" which is thumb, first finger, and pinky extended with the middle two fingers folded down to the palm. We flashed the sign as they left on the bus, ran onto the field, and during games. Even today if we are up in the bleachers and the boys look up to find us, I'll raise the sign and they'll return it. Most importantly we need to use the unexpected times to pass out a verbal or written valentine.
While Transformers, Harry Potter, or Barbie may not say "I love you" sincerely to a classroom, we can still find ways to be sincere to our kids. Whether we slip a note into our daughter's cleats or give a big hug just because our son entered the room, we have the power to keep the valentine spirit alive year round. Our kids may not remember the specific moments they got a non-valentine's day valentine, but they will feel the general spirit of love and pride that surrounds them every day of the year.