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Parents Blog

Susan Boyd blogs on USYouthSoccer.org every Monday.  A dedicated mother and wife, Susan offers a truly unique perspective into the world of a "Soccer Mom". 

 

It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

Susan Boyd

We’ve all experienced the situation. Our son or daughter has prepared for the BIG game. We invite relatives to come watch. Anticipation runs high. This is going to be fun. Our child doesn’t start, but that’s not necessarily unusual, we know he or she will be called in soon. The minutes tick away and turn to quarter hours, then it’s half-time, and still no movement from the bench. Eventually, as the time dwindles, our player is called onto the field, but after only the minimum amount of time required for "equal" play our child is brought back to the bench. The game ends. The amount of anxiety over a team win gets replaced by the anxiety of "will she play?" We watch the coach keenly to see if she looks over to the bench. Our hearts sit like lumps in our throats and leap whenever the coach approaches the bench and talks to the players. "It has to be soon," we believe. But all hope is dashed as the time tick, tick, ticks to its final whistle.
               
One time we traveled to Cincinnati for a tournament for Robbie. He had been playing really well, so we expected he would play most of the game or possibly even start. We invited our daughter, her husband and their two small boys to come watch since they lived only two hours away in Columbus. The tournament was in March, and we awoke that first day to a rather nasty snowstorm and temperatures in the teens. But it would all be worth it to watch Robbie play. We sat on metal benches and watched an entire game where Robbie sat across from us on his own metal bench. The grandkids froze, heck, we froze. Deana and family had to head home after the game, so it was a frost-bitten disappointment all around. 
               
The amount of emotion invested in the game, the level of anxiety over waiting for our player’s participation, and the bitter taste left in our mouths afterward make for an extremely tense ride home. No matter how great your player may be, I guarantee you’ll have at least one, and most likely several, of these frustrating games. We don’t have any insight into what the coach is thinking. We also don’t usually have any knowledge of what might have gone on in practice that ended up warranting a "benching." All we see is the evidence of a decision that hurts and confuses. How can we handle these experiences? 
               
First of all, don’t start the conversation at the field, on the way to the car, or on the trip home unless your child brings it up. Let all emotions cool down. While it may seem futile, finding something positive to say would be a good idea. Don’t patronize, but find a general positive you can offer such as "this field was in great shape" or "I liked the way you passed to Billy." If your child voices the opinion that he didn’t care if they won, or that the coach is a jerk, then you should address the concern. Ask why and then listen as long as it takes to vent. The hurt your player feels is not only natural, but deserved. Add to that embarrassment if friends and relatives came to watch her performance and you can understand why the pain is intense. Listen carefully for clues as to why your child didn’t play. For example, she might say, "Just because I was hanging on the goalposts, the coach benched me" or "Everyone made fun of Molly, not just me. I don’t why I got picked on for that." Keep track of those clues for a later discussion. For now, it’s important just to focus on the bad feelings and helping smooth those over.
               
Second, avoid knee-jerk reactions. Your child may threaten to quit the team as that is a natural reaction to the perceived humiliation. But it is not okay for you to suggest that. In the first place, quitting is never a solution to a tough situation. The lesson our children need to learn is one of persevering through and overcoming adversity. It is also important to remember that most state soccer associations have rules about quitting a club mid-season that include that the club doesn’t have to release a player to another club until the season is over. That would mean that if your child quit, he or she could be without a team for several months. At the very least, staying at the club that isn’t playing your child is preferable to sitting at home because the player still gets the benefit of practices. So, cooler minds need to prevail when the discussion of quitting comes up.
               
Third, when things have calmed down you can find out from your player if he was aware of any reason the coach wouldn’t play him. Chances are your player knows something. He was either warned during a practice or found out just before the game what was going to happen. Sometimes it can be something as innocent as the coach believing the team could win with a weaker line-up on the pitch and was giving players who usually sat a chance to play. However, if it was an important game, then the reason is more significant. Most coaches want to field the best team possible, so decisions on who to play and who not to play are made with careful consideration. If the coach had to invoke some type of consequence on your player, your son or daughter may not want to fess up to it. Hopefully you can discover what happened eventually from their comments or confessions. If you drive the carpool, listen to what the kids are talking about in the backseat. It’s amazing how much you can learn just by listening. "Coach really got mad at you yesterday." "Yeah, he thought I wasn’t paying attention, but I was." Occasionally players can be benched for having too many yellow cards since many leagues have a limit and coaches don’t want anyone to hit that limit.
               
Finally, if you feel the situation was totally fickle, then have your player talk to the coach. You can stand nearby for moral support, but the conversation should be between coach and player. Only if you feel that the coach isn’t taking your child’s concern seriously should you consider approaching the coach yourself. Like any "Get Out of Jail Free" card, you need to use this tactic sparingly. Pick your moment/battle wisely. Coaches don’t like getting hammered by parents since coaches make their decisions based on factors, which may not be obvious to someone outside the framework of the team. If you do talk to the coach keep questions open-ended and not accusatory. Ask, "I noticed you didn’t play Megan on Sunday. Is there something she can do to improve her playing time?" Don’t ask, "How come you didn’t play Megan when she has been working really hard and got two goals in the last game?" Putting the coach on the defensive only insures he or she won’t be on your side.
               
There’s nothing worse than throwing a party where the guest of honor is a no-show. The guests you invite all look at you for explanation, and you usually don’t have one to give. If your child doesn’t play in the game, let everyone who came know that you and your child are grateful they supported the team by attending. Don’t offer any half-baked excuses just that this was the game your player sat out and you hoped the guests would come back for another game. As frustrating as the experience can be, it is important to focus on the team aspect of the sport. While we all profess to be supporters of the team, it’s also a reality that if our child didn’t play on the team we probably wouldn’t be attending the games. So naturally we want to see our kids play. And if we invite guests, then we want to have cake and ice cream and throw confetti.

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Tripping Out

Susan Boyd

I’m trying to organize a trip to Niagara Falls to include my kids and grandkids. Guess what? It’s a dismal failure. Why? Those pesky sports schedules leave no room for everyone to travel at the same time. I know you’ve all faced this dilemma. I used to have a calendar that I color-coded, which I thought would make discovering a particular schedule at a glance a breeze. All it managed to do was make my calendar a rainbow blur. There was soccer, baseball, camps, all-star games, tryouts, and many split into select and "fun" teams. Robbie and Bryce played in a Latino soccer league in the city, did local baseball and travel baseball, had their select team, did regional league, and for one season added futsol. When my relatives would ask when I was coming to visit, I would say 2025. I never had to worry about boredom in the summer, only about gas prices.
 
So when is it overkill? How do you fit vacations and downtime into your summer? We teach our kids about commitment and want to take all of our commitments seriously. Teams depend on our children’s involvement to insure a strong team performance. When we start filling out those team forms, usually as early as January, we rarely have game and practice schedules to help guide our decisions. Suddenly we get swallowed up into the maelstrom that is summer sports. We also get the guilt from coaches, parents and teammates if we even hint that we might miss a game or two so we can whitewater raft in Colorado. Even our own kids will chime in with their complaints that they can’t miss certain games as they are pivotal to making championships. Add into the mix unknowns, such as: Will a team make the US Youth Soccer State Championships? Regionals? And, ultimately, Nationals? So, we have to leave those dates open until our kids’ participation is either assured or ended.
 
Parents can exercise three options. First, you can be proactive by establishing one week in the summer that will be family time for vacations. I have found that centering this around July 4 might insure missing very few games as lots of programs avoid scheduling games and practices within a few days on either side of the holiday. Of course, that week will be the most crowded and expensive for travel, but it is also the time least likely to cause conflicts. No matter what week you pick, let the clubs, teams, coaches, and anyone else in a position to be affected know that your child won’t be available during that time. Then the powers that be can decide if they can live with that arrangement or not. Once they agree to it, the matter should be closed and there shouldn’t be any guilt trips as the time nears. If they don’t agree, then you’ll have to decide what’s more important: family time or team time. The choice will be yours and your child’s. Whatever you decide, you will know that you acted with integrity without surprising the team with a sudden decision to miss a week.
 
Second, if you can’t decide so early in the year when you might be able to take a vacation, then be sure to inform the team the moment you decide if your child is going to miss time. Remember that all of life is a balancing act, and many decisions end up being the lesser of two evils. You have a right to make family plans and if those conflict with team plans it’s unfortunate but not tragic. Don’t let anyone guilt you into questioning your decision. In the long run, this will be a tiny blip on the trail of life. It seems remarkably important at the time, but believe me, after decades of youth sports in our family I can’t even tell you losses and wins, but I can tell you about a great family trip like the "fort" trip we made down the East Coast or the time we explored Key West. Who knows five years down the road if your child will still be playing even if you both are passionate about it now?
 
Third, you can organize a trip around a travel team’s away tournaments. We have made some really memorable vacations using tournaments as an excuse to visit an area. In fact, several years ago we got to explore Niagara with the boys because they were guest playing in a national Croatian soccer tournament 30 miles outside of Niagara in Hamilton, Ontario. There was a memorable tournament in Indianapolis where we were able to visit an amazing Children’s Museum, the NCAA Hall of Champions, Amish towns and other significant historical sites in Indiana. We went down two days earlier and stayed an extra day after most of the tournaments thereby avoiding missing team games and practices. Robbie’s team played at Disney World, which was a fabulous combo trip. The only downside is that it may not fit in with the schedule of your other players.
 
I’m hoping my daughter and son-in-law in Ohio agree to let their sons miss a few practices, so they can join us in Niagara. But I will definitely respect their decision not to do that. I know how difficult it is to balance lessons about commitment, family demands and schedules. Each family has to decide how to prioritize for themselves without regard to anyone else’s pressures. It will be difficult because I really want all the cousins to get together. However, that’s my dream, which doesn’t necessarily fit into their reality. I’m hopeful, but I’m also prepared to smile and say, "I understand."
 
Life is short and family lasts forever, so my message would be to focus on creating family memories outside of sports. While I am an avid supporter of youth sports, I also know that they can overtake your life to the point that they choke out other worthwhile activities. I appreciate the life lessons of camaraderie, commitment, collaboration, winning and losing with dignity, and maintaining a regimen of exercise that sports offer our children. I do think that sports can be an enhancement to how we raise our children, but they shouldn’t be the primary activity, especially if other children in the family are not participating. Family time that benefits everyone should take a priority over individual activities at least once a year. Time to decompress, get reacquainted outside the demands of daily family life and build family memories should be emphasized. It will take plenty of planning and the ability to resist outside pressures, but as the decades pass, these will be the moments that stand out in our children’s memories and set the stage for their own family occasions. Nothing could be more satisfying, not even a soccer game.

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Metaphorically Speaking

Susan Boyd

We often use sports’ metaphors in our everyday lives. We talk about rolling with the punches, sidelining a project, throwing in the towel, doing an end run, keeping an eye on the ball, going to the mat and being saved by the bell. We may not even know which sports these phrases spring from, but we understand how to use them in conversation. It’s not unusual for sports’ idioms to be an integral part of how we express our opinions. So here’s my parents blog written with the help of (mixed) sports’ metaphors. I’ll just dive right in.
 
As parents, we can find ourselves in deep water and behind the eight ball when it comes to how to deal as our children jockey for position on their team. While our child may be in the running to make the cut, he or she may just as easily miss the cut. We then find ourselves wanting to level the playing field by encouraging the coach to appreciate the cut of our child’s jib. We know the score. Unless we keep our eye on the ball, our child can be left at the gate. If he or she is ever going to run the bases to cross the finish line, we may have to exercise a no-holds-barred approach to intervention.
 
To get our children off to a running start, we need to assess what odds are against them and then run interference by stepping up to the plate and tackling the problem. For example, we should bounce some ideas off our children, such as bat a thousand and approach any game or tryout with a full-court press. We can pump them up so that they will want to be first-string material. Develop a game plan: Encourage your children to keep an eye on the ball, know the score, and be that wild card that a coach can’t ignore. Put yourself in their corner so you can help them clear any hurdles. To have a fighting chance they don’t need to draw first blood, but they do need to be first out of the gate with a positive attitude. We can’t move the goal posts, but we can get the ball rolling by giving our children a few arrows in their quivers. Even if they have two strikes against them, our children can still paddle their own canoe and show that they have what it takes to be a big leaguer.
 
Even if your child is a dark horse, there’s no reason he or she has to be sent to the showers. Our children may need to warm the bench but when they get their chance they have to give it a run for the money. Most coaches will give all team members a fair shake. Tell your child to use every opportunity to take his or her best shot. Our kids can show that they can get the hang of playing when given the chance. It’s probably not a bad idea to go overboard. Better to let her rip rather than settle for a sub-par performance. Bowl the coach over by being a heavy hitter. 
 
Should they end up shooting an air ball, we parents need to hug the shoreline and give them shelter from the storm. Not gaining the upper hand doesn’t mean the game is over. We may need to adjust our aim and tell our kids to hang in there. When we hit a snag use our home-court advantage and let our children know that they haven’t yet hit their stride. They need to continue to take practice swings until they can play hardball with the best of their competitors and leave them in their dust. Don’t ride roughshod over your kids, but don’t pull any punches. You have a ringside seat to their dreams. Root for them. Teach them to set their sights on a goal. Some dreams may be sidelined, but other dreams will fly out of the park. As long as they continue to make waves they’ll always be major leaguers. 

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A Life at the Movies

Susan Boyd

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there — fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. . . If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."
 
This prologue to the film, "Love Actually" is one of my favorite movie quotes. Written just two years after 9/11, it shows the optimism and humanity of our world despite horror. I find comfort in these words whenever tragedy strikes, as it has, does, and will. As many of you may know or have guessed, I’m a movie fanatic. My brother is a screenwriter and producer, my mother held Oscars parties all my life, and even my father, who hated musicals, got us all tickets for "Sound of Music" Christmas Day 1965. Even bad films can provide clues how to conduct ourselves. It’s not a bad way to frame one’s life. There’s plenty in movies to guide us as parents and human beings.
 
Films continually show me what’s possible to achieve as a parent. Yes, films are perfect little slices of life where all variables are controlled and outcomes can be dictated, unlike our messy lives where we have to deal with the phone ringing just as we’re making that big point to our daughter, or a fight erupts on the way to practice so that everything ends with an explosion and then a rush to the field. But I still marvel at how Hollywood, given its over-the-top lifestyle and revolving door marriages, manages to capture mature adult-child relationships, especially the way to have a conversation with our children that isn’t based on accusation, defensiveness and door slamming.  
 
Near the end of the film "The Kids Are Alright," one character, Jules, finds she needs to apologize. It’s not just that it’s an elegant apology, but that it’s an apology at all. 
 
"Parents make mistakes, and it is not a sign of weakness to apologize for those mistakes. Look, it’s no secret your mom and I have been going through a rough patch lately. That happens in marriages, especially ones that have lasted as long as ours. But instead of looking at our problems and trying to deal with them head-on, I went and did something really stupid. It may be shocking to you, but adults aren’t exempt from making mistakes. Anyway, I know you’re all really furious with me. I can take that. I’m a big girl... I know this whole thing’s confusing. I wish it wasn’t. But life’s just like that sometimes."
 
As parents, it’s important to humble ourselves occasionally in front of our kids. If we get overzealous after a game, criticize when criticism isn’t appropriate, or make an accusation that proves not to be true, we need to apologize. It teaches our kids that there isn’t a double standard where they have to be contrite for their errors, while we can simply gloss over ours. It also shows that lying about our mistakes isn’t a viable option for a healthy family life.
 
While the film "Rudy" may seem overly melodramatic playing out against an emotional soundtrack, it does provide an important message about persevering despite insurmountable odds. When kids find themselves riding the bench or being passed up athletically by their teammates, it’s natural to think about giving up. Sometimes that’s the right decision and only we as parents can help our kids know if it is, but I have often been inspired by the Notre Dame locker room manager’s speech to Rudy. As a former player, he understood both the desire to quit and the ramifications of making that choice.
 
"Since when are you the quitting kind?... So you didn't make the dress list. There are greater tragedies in the world...You’re 5-feet nothin', a 100-and-nothin', and you got hardly a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in with the best college football team in the land for two years. And you're also gonna walk outta here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame. In this lifetime, you don't have to prove nothin' to nobody — except yourself. And after what you've gone through, if you haven't done that by now, it ain't gonna never happen... I guarantee a week won't go by in your life you won't regret walkin' out, letting them get the best of ya. You hear me clear enough?" 
 
Not a bad speech to give in your own words with your own examples of what sticking with it can mean for your child.
 
"Who Framed Roger Rabbit" is most memorable for combining animation with live action, something we take for granted now, but was innovative in 1988. Most of the film is silly, uninvolving, and unintentionally violent. But I love one of Roger’s lines: "A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Sometimes in life it is the only weapon we’ve got." What a wonderful reminder that lots of problems can be ameliorated by a good group laugh. Humor is a potent family tool. When anger starts to bubble up, switching gears to humor can definitely defuse a situation. In "Lilo and Stitch," the film veered wildly from warm family drama to science fiction war of the worlds. But hidden in the jumble are some important lessons. At one point, Lilo says, "Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind…or forgotten." Later, Stitch says, "This is my family. I found it all on my own. It’s little and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good."
 
It’s a great reminder that family is what you make of it. We can’t look with envy at any other family because they don’t have the same personalities, expectations and history our family has. The huge variety of ways we end up creating our families, raising our children, and handling adversities and triumphs has no right or wrong way. Lots of talking heads would like to tell us all the mistakes we are making and how we can move to perfection. But perfection is boring and confining. The discoveries we make when we risk some of that perfection can add such highlights to our lives. Deciding to take off a year before college or eat out every night or get a tattoo may not be right for some families, but is the "perfect" course for your family to take.
 
Finally, my favorite movie quote comes from, naturally, the film "Parenthood." The film focuses on a family of four children and each of their families. Each sibling has made different choices and faced different challenges. The grandparents are often criticized by their children for some slight or lack in their upbringing. Add to the mix that the youngest child is a ne’er-do-well who seems to be his father’s favorite. His reemergence into the family, after another "get rich quick" scheme flops, opens wounds, but also makes each of the siblings face their failings when raising their own children. Near the end of the film, we learn the prodigal son needs money from his father to pay off gangsters who may kill him for the debt. The patriarch responds to his eldest son’s frustration about enabling the youngest. "Did you know we once thought you had polio?...I hated having to go through that caring, the worrying, the pain…You know, it’s not like that all ends when you’re 18 or 21 or 41 or 61. It never, never ends…There is no end zone. You never cross the goal line, spike the ball, and do your touchdown dance…I’m Larry’s father and he’s still my son. Like Kevin is your son. You think I want him to get hurt? He’s my son."
 
We are parents until we die. And we have to accept that we won’t always do the job error-free, but what really matters is the love. So long as we express that love with praise, hugs, and actually saying "I love you," then we’ll be successful. If a few movies help us along that pathway, then at least we can be entertained while we learn. Not a bad way to spend the rest of our lives.
 

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