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Parents Blog

Susan Boyd blogs on USYouthSoccer.org every Monday.  A dedicated mother and wife, Susan offers a truly unique perspective into the world of a "Soccer Mom". 

 

Overuse and Commitment

Susan Boyd

Here’s a conundrum. Your youth player shows strong talent in and passion for soccer. He or she wants to play this sport to the exclusion of all others. However, we hear the criticism of such a choice. Physicians and trainers talk about the dangers of repetitive motion injuries. Psychologists caution that the pressures of intense, continual competition can adversely affect the mental development of youth players. Sociologists warn that the isolation from focusing on a single activity with a finite group of friends can complicate a child’s social interactions. Many experts will recommend that children don’t concentrate on a single sport until high school. On the flip side, and here comes the puzzling part, most successful world-wide soccer athletes began intensive training early in their careers. In fact, they will argue that the earlier a player begins to train exclusively in their sport, soccer in our case, the better chance they have to create and sustain a career in that sport. How do we as parents assess whether the choice to specifically select soccer or to open up our children’s sports experience to a variety of options will be the right one for their future? Barring the expertise of a true psychic or a keenly accurate Magic Eight Ball, we don’t have much to base our decisions on other than our own limited intuitive knowledge of our child’s abilities and stamina. It’s hard to say after only observing six to 10 years of our son’s or daughter’s lifetime what assessments we can make about their play, their strengths, and their adaptability. There are some significant studies and professional outlooks on this topic which may help guide our decisions.

By way of open disclosure, both my sons gave up all their other sports and arts interests by age 11. We certainly agonized over that decision, especially because each had good talent in other areas which we didn’t want them to later regret not pursuing. However, we were primarily motivated to their request because each showed tremendous passion for soccer and seemed genuinely unhappy playing other sports. For example, Robbie left every baseball game dejected and frustrated, which seemed confusing since he always got at least one hit during every game, his team won every game, and once he had an unassisted triple play. But he just couldn’t handle the down time waiting for his turn to bat, waiting for a hit to activate field play, and waiting for half an inning to get back out on the diamond. He liked the constant action of soccer where he was lucky enough to play most minutes. After several car rides of him pouting in the back seat and exhaling in loud, angry sighs, I gave in and let him drop the last additional sport he was playing. It may not have been an informed decision, but it luckily proved to be a good decision for both boys who continue to play and watch soccer with the same gleeful passion they had in elementary school. It could have ended differently, even disastrously, so I do wish I had paid more attention to the literature before we made the choice. There are the three areas to consider:  physical, psychological, and social. The opinions vary, but the examples exist to help us chart a course.

On the physical end, physicians and trainers want parents and coaches to carefully consider the effects of long-term repetitive movements on the physical development of players’ muscles, joints, and actual growth. The concern is that young players who don’t have the bone strength and long bone growth to maintain the rigorous training that year-round soccer demands without injury and/or physical damage. The American Academy of Orthopedics defines these overuse injuries as “continually us[ing] the same muscle groups and appl[ying] unchanging stress to specific areas of the body. This can lead to muscle imbalances that, when combined with overtraining and inadequate periods of rest, put children at serious risk…” They recommend limiting the number of teams a child plays on and not playing a sport year-round, taking a season to play a different sport. Likewise Alexandra Fenwick in Sports Illustrated found that "Counter to the prevailing notion that early specialization is key to a pro career, studies show that future elites actually practice less on average in their eventual sports than near-elites and that most U.S.-born big leaguers play multiple sports through high school.”  On the other hand, soccer players in around the world begin in the sport at age five or six and play it exclusively throughout their youth. What all medical experts do agree upon is that children exhibiting the symptoms of overuse injury should take a break. Those symptoms include pain that doesn’t subside with time, swelling along with redness that doesn’t improve with treatment, and visible motion problems such as limping or not running as well. Experts also agree that players who don’t develop physical stamina through proper training will suffer more injuries. Therefore it’s important that if a child chooses to pursue soccer exclusively and at a high level, he or she gets the appropriate training and medical supervision.

We never should make our decision on the dream of our child playing high school, college, or professional soccer. The numbers just don’t justify it. There are well over 13 million youth soccer players in the U.S., split nearly 50/50 between male and female players, but only 410,000 in men’s high school soccer. Around 6% or 24,000 go on to college and less than 2% of those go pro. Those aren’t the kinds of numbers to justify the risk of early injury through specialization. So the physical argument of the puzzle is significant when urging your child not to focus entirely on soccer. We need to also look at other factors as they regard what to do with our children’s desire to be a soccer player exclusively.

Youth players drop out of sports in huge numbers when they reach middle school. A big reason for that loss is burn out. When kids have numerous practices with a difficult regimen of games and tournaments, they can feel overwhelmed or in a rut. Dr. Alan Goldberg of Competitive Advantage, an organization to help develop and support top youth athletes, addresses the issue of burnout as a result of pressure to perform, having one’s self-worth attached to success, feelings of isolation from non-soccer peers, and bad relationships with coaches and teammates. Ironically, considering the impact of overuse injuries, one of the main symptoms of burnout according to Dr. Goldberg is complaining of constant injury or illness. These are sure excuses to get a child guilt-free out of the rut without much question from parents and coaches. Excessive complaints can be a sharp indicator that a child is feeling stressed. If kids are getting far more negative comments from a coach than positive it can adversely affect their self-image, especially in tween and early teen years. Having a broader base of activities allows kids to experience a range of successes and coaching which has important psychological benefits. Players can go through phases where they may want to quit, but if the reason is transitory, they get past it and return to their love of the game. This mental factor could be the most important in deciding if a youth should specialize in soccer to the exclusion of other sports. Does your child show strong passion for the sport?  How do they handle defeat?  Do they take criticism well?  How do they handle pressure?  I often think about gymnasts who rarely have any type of career after age 21. If they want to be gymnasts they need to focus on the sport at a very early age. The level of commitment to move to the next level of training and skill requires maturity and strength. Since few kids will move to the stratosphere of abilities, what we parents want is to keep them engaged enough in the sport to continue to enjoy the advantages of playing:  physical conditioning, team work and collaboration, handling wins and losses with dignity, and most importantly having fun. So burnout should be avoided. The best way to ensure that for most kids is to give them breaks from soccer and reducing the work load (i.e. not playing on multiple teams or staying an extra year on a rec team). Sports should not be a source of stress, anger, or helplessness.

Finally we need to consider the social costs of concentrating solely on soccer. Kids might find themselves isolated from non-soccer-playing peers due to the demands the sport makes on them year-round. This becomes more acute as kids get older. Soccer can intrude on school dances, Bat and Bar Mitzvahs, Homecoming, class trips, and service projects, not to mention trips to the mall or going to movies with a group of friends. Since most weekends, nights, and summer days are dedicated to soccer practices and competitions, it can be hard to carve out time for non-soccer activities with peers outside of the sport. All the focus on soccer can also affect the entire family’s social life. If younger siblings have to accompany parents to watch games, they can feel just as isolated, and they can feel short-changed if family vacations are centered on soccer tournaments. We parents need to figure out how a decision to play just soccer (which usually means playing at a higher level) will affect everyone. Our job is to create balance so that no child experiences unfair demands on his or her time. We also need to keep our kids’ egos in checks so that the success of a team doesn’t translate into the single factor establishing a child’s self-worth. It can’t be said too often – playing a sport should be fun which adds to a child’s positive development. Also to be considered are the external pressures a child feels to continue playing a sport. The pressures can come from teammates, coaches, and especially parents. Kids may express a desire to pursue a sport based on these external cues from those children want to please. It’s important that parents continually reinforce with their players that the choice to play or not to play won’t affect how we view our children’s value.

The question of commitment brackets all of these matters. The Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology published a study by Tara Scalan and others examining how commitment is affected by various behaviors during sports and how it affects the overall well-being of a youth athlete. The study defined commitment as “a psychological state representing the desire or resolve to continue sport participation.”  We might call it passion, especially as it relates to making the decision to focus on soccer as a young player. What the researchers discovered, which may seem intuitive, is that players who had sport enjoyment and experienced a personal investment in the sport were the most committed. As enjoyment and investment declined so did commitment. Likewise the more committed a player was, the more their investment grew. The authors stated that “because these investments cannot be retrieved upon termination of involvement, people become more psychologically attached as they allocate increasing amounts of resources to their participation.”  I view it somewhat differently. The investment isn’t tangible but does pay out eventually if managed properly. The return for athletes comes from physical conditioning, pride in accomplishment, learning to collaborate, respect for authority, and emotional flexibility. However, their assessment that players become attached to the sport the more they invest in it becomes a valuable aspect in making a decision. Kids may feel that they can’t quit if they have put all their energies into one sport, therefore putting a psychological pressure on them that we may falsely interpret as passion when it is actually desperation and a fear of failure. Again, talking to our children and especially reassuring them that our love and respect for them isn’t based on their success as a soccer player will help our kids embrace the proper balance in their sports life.

Anecdotally, my sons never suffered any injuries even though they played on as many as four teams at the same time. I attribute that to good training, rest when aches and pains presented themselves, and regular medical evaluation. There were periods when each considered giving up on soccer, but those feelings were usually based on some transient concern so when it evaporated, so did their consideration of quitting. Personally I would have preferred they chose to continue playing other sports because it was fun to watch them in different situations plus I liked the parents of the kids on those teams and enjoyed their company. We were also lucky that the boys were only two years apart and we had no other children at home. They usually played in the same tournaments, so travel was easy and no one really had to sacrifice. However, we usually took one or two other players with us because their families had other commitments with their other children, so I recognize that we were very lucky in that regard. Everyone has to make their own best decision based on the concerns that are inherent in focusing on a single sport which usually means a sport played at the highest levels. The answer isn’t easy, and it isn’t one-size fits all.

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The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Susan Boyd

Anyone associated with youth sports knows the broad spectrum of emotions and behaviors on display at competitions. We’ve all seen moments of tremendous restraint, professionalism and dignity. We’ve also witnessed embarrassing scenes of tantrums, condescension, anger and taunting. Contests bring out the best and worst in us as we pin our hopes and self-esteem on wins and suffer through losses. Over Memorial Day weekend I traveled to Ohio to watch two grandsons in their respective baseball tournaments in Dayton and Columbus. Right on schedule, the emotions came out.

Let’s get the ugly out of the way. First, the ugliest behavior didn’t come from anyone at the tournaments, but definitely affects the integrity of sport. Fourteen FIFA board of director members and sports marketing agents were arrested and accused of bribery and corruption. The trickle-down effect on youth sports will be both financial, as sponsors pull out, and disruptive as a tarnished image of soccer gives parents and kids pause. We’ve seen scandals come from powerful people in athletics that left a stain on the sport, especially for impressionable youth. In Milwaukee, the boy-next-door image of Brewer Ryan Braun suffered first through a false denial that he had used performance enhancing drugs then proof that he in fact had. He has rehabilitated his respectability, but the poor kids who had flocked to buy his jersey when he was exalted now felt shame wearing his number. The ugliness that greed and entitlement can bring to a sport demeans the spirit of play.

Ugly sprang up during my oldest grandson’s last game. There was a call against the opposing team. I can’t even recall what that was, because it led to a series of spiraling bad outcomes. The other team’s coach protested the call, and when that failed, continued to yammer disapproval at the umpires from the dugout. Both officials told him to stop at separate times, so by the end of the inning we all thought it would be water under the bridge. Not so. Any close call went our way, strikes became balls for us (nearly half our batting order earned walks in one inning), and as a result we got nine runs that inning. Out of frustration, the opposing pitchers began to throw at our batters, putting even more runners on base. We won in the 4th inning due to a slaughter rule. We needed one more run in the 4th to end the game, and through a series of walks and hit players we got that run. What made this incident so ugly was first that the game didn’t matter and second that the officials colluded to insure our win as retaliation for the boorish behavior of the opposition’s coach. The game was a “consolation” one for teams that didn’t make it to the play-offs. The tournament organizers wanted teams to get a value out of traveling to Dayton, so provided them with a fourth game. What should have been a fun scrimmage got blemished by ego and temper. For my grandson’s team there was little joy in winning because it wasn’t about their skill and persistence. Since the umpires engineered the victory for their own bruised egos, they hurt both youth teams. The adults should have risen above pettiness for the sake of the kids and the spirit of the game, but they were too fixated on being the alpha adult in this circus.

Bad showed up in the usual ways. Although there is no rule against it, teams taunting their opponents from the dugout defies the spirit of youth play. Coaches should lead by teaching and example. Rather than condoning jeering from the team against the competition, they should be teaching encouragement for their players whether on offense or defense. We saw taunting twice, and both times it was really uncomfortable, especially when it occurred in a U-11 game. Bad was demonstrated by the parents who coached from the bleachers, by kids reduced to tears on the mound because they lost their edge and coaches kept them in, by teams knowingly using illegal bats, by coaches loudly and publicly criticizing players, and by parents worrying more about winning than about watching their kids have fun. All too often we accept these bad behaviors because they are so common and we ourselves may engage in them. When immersed in a tournament environment, parents feel the anxiety of a trio or more of games in a weekend that can quickly catapult a team to the finals or drop them in the basement. That anxiety can translate to impulsive outbursts that don’t represent the dignity and positivity that we should maintain in youth sports. We have all been guilty of second-guessing the coach, openly criticizing players, and making demands of our own kids. There’s no doubt that the bad side of our personalities can quickly and unexpectantly creep out. I’ve often wished I could just inhale the things I said out loud without thinking of the impact of those comments on the people around me. We all need to be willing to apologize when we overstep propriety, though many of us don’t. Keeping in mind that our children will mimic our behaviors, we need to try our best to contain those opinions and outbursts. That goes double for officials and coaches. These are the authority figures in our children’s world that most impact their sports behaviors. When the authorities treat the players and the game with respect, kids recognize the importance of exercising their own respect towards their teammates, opponents, and officials.

I saved the good for last because despite the cloud of misdeeds and misbehaviors at the tournament, the overriding mood was positive. We need to acknowledge blight so we can eradicate it. However, we can use the best of a moment as the guiding light for the future. We did witness many examples of extraordinary good sportsmanship. Parents focused on the positives during tough competition and congratulated opponents for good hitting and pitching. Coaches handled disagreements calmly and rationally. When a player was called out at first because he tripped before the base, he burst into tears. Parents from both teams applauded his effort and gave him support as he dejectedly trudged to the dugout. The next time he was up, he got support from the crowd who encouraged him to get a hit. When he reached first base safely, everyone cheered. My U-11 grandson’s team won their first game 19 – 1. It was a final inning burst of hot bats that drove the score from 7 – 1. Naturally the opposing team became frustrated and crestfallen. So after the final out, my grandson’s team quickly gave a cheer to their opponents and the coach publically praised the challengers for their perseverance. As he told them, “It’s easy to keep playing when you’re winning. You showed character in this loss. You should be proud.” These words exemplify the role model adults can be. When a team ran out of water and sports drinks, the other team shared some bottles from its cooler. After watching six games, in four of them both teams left laughing and smiling. When the U-11 team lost a game by six runs, they still raced their coach to the outfield afterwards leaping and shouting with total joy despite the loss. That means they had fun, which is the real point of any youth sport. Only a small percentage of those who start out in a sport will still be playing it by age 15. The statistics show that kids shift their interests after age 14. So these years of playing should ultimately be about enjoying themselves, forming friendships, and learning moral lessons that will carry them throughout life.

I know that both my grandsons will remember the wins and losses from this tournament for a long time. They still talk about games they played two years ago. However, hopefully they will also remember the good from the weekend and block out the bad. What I fear is that the really ugly events made a strong impression tainting all the games they played. We parents need to make those ugly and bad moments teachable, encouraging our children to recognize how the behavior of a few ruined the experience for all. We can direct their attention away from the worst bits and remind them of the best. Most importantly we shouldn’t be the ones creating and/or condoning the uncomfortable experiences. If we can mitigate the outcomes by approaching offending adults, then we should. But if that would only fan the fire, then we should let our children know that we don’t approve. We can offer them positive alternatives so that they learn it won’t always be sunshine and roses but the good things do exist if we just seek them out.

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The Good Ol’ Summertime

Susan Boyd

Memorial Day weekend symbolically, though not meteorologically, indicates the start of summer. Here in Wisconsin, unfortunately, we citizens plaintively are still hoping for spring. I drove by our subdivision pool today and saw that it was all set up for the Memorial weekend opening in a display of pure optimism. Of course, we are slated to have temperatures in the 50s and thunderstorms. Typical. Nevertheless, once the weekend passes, kids exhibit the end-of-school wiggles, poster board shortages appear as projects are due, and parents begin the panic about how to occupy the kids for three months. Summer is coming despite the temperatures, and we need to think about how we will spend it.

Many youth soccer families know that summer can be crazy with practices, games and tournaments. Often kids will find themselves playing in state leagues, regional leagues, ethnic leagues, and as guest players and possibly even attending a soccer camp. Families can drown in the summer soccer schedule. I speak from experience, having two sons who played all summer long nearly every day for most of the day. It was a full-time job just shuttling them from field to field, keeping the various uniforms straight, and coordinating their complex schedules. While they loved playing, I always felt they were missing out on some of the other summer fun stuff with extended family and non-soccer peers. We learned after a few summers that we might need to scale back just to allow for unscheduled play. There were three areas to consider:  1) discovering other enjoyment for the summer 2) learning to say “no” and take time out 3) letting go of the guilt of not being the super soccer family.

Long before summer, we got together as a family to decide how we’d spend the season. We considered all the possibilities – grilling on the deck, swimming, doing “splash day” at the neighborhood pool, fishing, trips, camp, and significantly, other sports. We discussed the various soccer leagues and teams they could join, looked at their schedules, and decided which ones we would forgo in order to have the time to pursue other things. It was difficult because the boys had a passion for soccer, but they also loved to just bike ride and swim, play baseball, and build forts in the woods. They also enjoyed family trips that weren’t attached to a soccer tournament. It might just be a short excursion, but it was a time to connect without the distractions that soccer matches can create and the intrusion of dozens of other players and their families. One summer the boys really wanted to go to baseball camp rather than soccer camp. They loved exercising a different sports brain and set of muscles, although Robbie got frustrated with the pace of the game. By participating in some of the summer activities centered at our community pool, the boys connected with friends who weren’t soccer players and who weren’t even necessarily athletes. They got to joke around doing Marco Polo, learned to do flips off the diving board, and spent some long days on the beach of our lake waiting for a nibble on their fishing poles. It absolutely defined the “lazy, crazy days of summer” for them.

Since we carved out time in the summer for other things, we had to say no to a few soccer opportunities. Bryce and Robbie were popular choices to guest play on teams participating in the explosion of summer tournaments and leagues. They were always flattered to be asked and felt pressure to help out. When you’re a tween and people are telling you that you’ll make the difference in the team winning or losing, it’s difficult to put aside the pride and say no. Likewise, there were several teams that wanted the boys to join them for their summer leagues. They did join a city Hispanic team every year because they enjoyed that competition, which had a festive aspect to it. Extended families attended with picnics. One mother on Robbie’s team always made a big pot of pork tamales for every game, which we all looked forward to. People set up stands that sold replica uniforms, mostly from Mexico, but also from several South American teams. These were surprisingly inexpensive, so the boys became supporters of various Mexican clubs that they still follow. On the other hand, they would sit out local teams that played in other city leagues in order to preserve the time to just be kids. We would also occasionally miss a game or a practice for the teams they did join. We never did that during the fall and spring seasons, but summer was special.

Which brings me to the third point, not feeling guilt. I am a firm believer in commitment. I think children need to learn to be responsible to others and to persevere when things get tough, but we discovered that taking on too many projects in the summer made such commitment a true burden that infringed on just having fun. Two of my grandsons play summer sports and my daughter and her husband insist on them attending every game and practice to the exclusion of other enticing options. I absolutely admire the lesson they are teaching, but I worry that the kids miss out on things. This summer we’re taking our other grandkids to Disney World and wanted to take these grandsons as well, but their sports schedule didn’t allow for it. I understand their position. It took me a while to realize it, but ultimately the memories of family events will be stronger than those of grueling practices and dusty games. Therefore I learned to shake off that deep conscience I had concerning commitment to allow for some wiggle room. We parents can feel tremendous pressure to join in often and regularly, and made to feel oppressive guilt if we decide to opt out occasionally. Every summer my father took six weeks off and we drove as a family all over the United States, Canada, and Mexico for a month and a half vacation. There were seven of us packed in a station wagon, the kind with the last bench seat facing backwards, and no air conditioning because my father never spent a dime on “frills” including a radio and white wall tires. We usually camped in a huge tent he had sewn himself from two tents. While I didn’t enjoy putting up and breaking camp, I remember fondly every one of those trips seeing every state at one time or another. We had fights, naturally, and occasionally got bored, but then we’d arrive at a glacier in Montana or a cave in Kentucky and all was forgotten. It was those memories that ultimately informed my decision to take the time every summer to make different memories than how many goals were scored or who won the tournament. We did face opposition from the families who definitely piled on the guilt, but it was important to step aside from the sport we all loved and that dominated our lives the other nine months and just breathe a different air.

However, you decide to spend your summer I can only advise that you make sure it’s exactly the break from the pressures of school that your kids want. We can’t let summer slip away with our children feeling they never tasted pure freedom from obligations. Europe has the right idea where most countries take the month of August off, even the soccer teams. Shops, museums, and restaurants close, and families flock to vacation spots in the mountains or on the Mediterranean. One summer when Bryce was 13 and Robbie was 12, the boys got together with the other boys on the court and built an elaborate, albeit shaky, series of skateboard jumps that they placed along the roadway and attempted all kinds of twists and tricks. One afternoon they were so involved in the project, improving the jumps with more wood and nails then leaping over and over to achieve some perfect form that I just didn’t call them in to get ready for practice at the fields. We just blew off practice, and they played until there was no more light, then had the idea that we parents should turn our cars to face the street and illuminate the course with our headlights. We all sat out in the warm summer evening, laughing together, clapping at particularly good moves, and just enjoying the time as friends and neighbors, cutting it off reluctantly after an hour so as not to run down all our batteries. The boys still talk about that night. It’s those kinds of memories that are important and should on occasion supersede the responsibilities of soccer.

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Not Easy to Say Goodbye

Susan Boyd

When kids first start playing soccer it’s all about friends and fun. Six-year-olds aren’t thinking about World Cups and professional teams. They may not even be able to name a single soccer player of note. But they love getting out on the field, screeching and running with their buddies. Eventually, they also enjoy the thrill of scoring a goal, high-fiving everyone, and then rushing to the sidelines for a treat after the game. There’s something pure and special about those early years in soccer when the only stress might be getting to the fields on time. Unfortunately, as kids grow so do their differences to the point that eventually friends have to make difficult choices between staying together or leaving. In some cases they have to say goodbye because friends have developed faster in skill or passion and move on to more intense teams, or our kids may be the ones moving on. In other cases, the decision to change teams is driven by finances. When it comes time to separate, no matter the reason, it can be traumatic. How do we decide as a family whether or not to make that break? And should we do it, how do we help our children cope with losing their friends?

The most common reasons for kids to leave a sport are boredom and developing a stronger interest in another activity. It should be an easy choice to quit under these circumstances both for kids and parents, but friendships complicate the break. There’s a strong tug to stay in a safe circle of peers where kids feel accepted. Although we might think this is primarily a female situation, the reality is that boys can feel just as insecure about leaving a circle of friends. Often, boys’ status is established in athletic terms, so even if they hate playing a sport they may be reluctant to give it up. We parents worry about peer pressure, but peer status can be just as powerful and therefore just as detrimental to a child’s development. Kids can make fun of kids who quit teams. This behavior can stem from their own feelings of abandonment from someone they thought was a loyal friend. As parents we need to let our children know that they can’t take a friend’s departure personally. It’s not meant to slight them or diminish the quality of their friendship. It can be difficult to accept that assessment, especially if they have played together for several years. And friendships do end when such a large chunk of children’s free time is spent away from each other.

Parents may also discourage their children from quitting a team due to the same powerful peer influences. They want their kids to be part of the “in-crowd.” I always urge parents to require that kids finish their commitments. Some wise coaches have stated that if you quit now you’ll quit things all your life. So parents should insist their kids finish a season. But if a child shifts focus and wants to try something different, then we shouldn’t stand in their way. Not all kids are meant to be athletes. Certainly kids should continue to participate in physical conditioning, but that may not be on an organized soccer team. Studies indicate that kids who feel comfortable pursuing their favorite interests ultimately have more confidence and self-esteem. While being part of the popular group can be satisfying, it’s less so when kids are ingratiating themselves into the mix. They can feel more like outsiders that way than when not in the troop. However, we also have to be sensitive to friendships.

The nature of growing up means that kids grow apart in interests and skills. But other factors intervene in disrupting friendships. Kids move often these days. My grandsons have lived in four different communities in two different states for the course of their sports life. They’ve had to reestablish themselves each time on teams and in situations where coaches already know and trust certain players. They gave up good friendships in those moves and lost some time when developing as players. However, they also learned patience and humility in those situations. Kids are resilient, so they do make new friends, but there can be pain as friendship dissolve. That can also happen when parents don’t have the means to keep their kids in expensive programs. Those are tough decisions for everyone involved. But ultimately the solvency of the family is worth more than the ego boost of being in a top program. I can name dozens of Robbie’s friends who went on to play college soccer without the benefit of being in expensive clubs. Bryce played in a Serbian club where the cost was only $150 a year plus whatever costs were associated with tournament travel. The club tried to go to tournaments within driving distance, but also that were college scouting tournaments. Writing letters to coaches and providing game film beforehand did entice a number of coaches to come check out games at these tournaments and five players on the team got offers. So parents shouldn’t feel that if their child has talent they are thwarting that talent by not putting their child on a top level club team. However, these decisions can mean that friendships get strained and even broken. Parents need to be ready to help facilitate the continuation of friendships if possible or sooth the loss of a friend.

The most painful way that friends can be separated is when one excels more than another. It’s difficult to be on either side of the equation. We expect that once kids get closer to high school age that they will face the dilemma of either being selected or not for their friends’ team. We hope they are better equipped to handle not only the possible disappointment of being rejected but the ensuing disconnect from long-term friends. However, more and more clubs decide to create powerhouse teams as early as age 10. If our children are among those being “recruited” there can be a great deal of resentment from other teammates and parents. And if our kids aren’t selected there’s disappointment intermingled with leaving friends. It’s a difficult quandary. While we want our kids to have the best opportunities if they are skilled enough to take them, we also recognize the inherent unfairness of the practice and the detriment to friendships. This is happening at an age when teams are supposed to be talent neutral until they could be selected at U-11. Robbie’s club decided to create a U-11 team from two U-9 teams that had a number of strong players. We parents were skeptical until we were assured that with the larger roster at U-11 no kid would be left behind. However, it didn’t happen that way. One boy and one boy only was left off the roster. We protested, but his parents were so hurt they decided to leave the club. These were supposed to be his friends, and now they had betrayed him. The episode casts an ugly light on a fact of youth sports – friendships can shift abruptly and unpleasantly. The longer kids stay in the sport the more this scenario will play out. Giving up the comfort of a community even if being promoted can be difficult.

The good news is that with social media it’s easier for kids to stay in touch and maintain friendships. Robbie regularly texts with his friends from various clubs. He only played a year at UC-Santa Barbara but he has strong friendships with teammates from there, returning periodically to California to visit with them. On Bryce’s recreation team, the players were classmates and neighbors, bonding strongly. However, one boy was not athletic at all and quickly fell behind. His mother was distraught because she saw the handwriting on the wall. She didn’t want him to be, as she considered it, ostracized by his lack of athleticism. But he was extremely artistic and she herself was an artist. Eventually she realized that he was happier in creative pursuits, and he even expressed to his mom that he didn’t like soccer. Leaving the team meant he did leave the group of players, but several of them continued their friendships with him because they shared other interests, attended school together, and met at the community pool in the summer. In fact, in middle school Bryce reconnected with him because they both loved making videos and spent one summer creating a film using several of the former teammates as actors.

Friendship can be fluid, but can also be an influencing condition for many kids and their parents. Sports teams are meant to create strong bonds among players, and those bonds may signify a social status as well. Therefore leaving a team for any reason becomes problematic when it comes to psychological impacts. If someone is cut from a team, there’s not only the loss of the companionship of teammates but the sense of failure and inadequacy. If kids move on to a higher level, they may feel the loss of the support system they had, guilt over leaving, and harbor a lack of confidence going into the new arena. As parents we need to be sensitive to how losing a team can affect our kids and be willing to listen to their concerns. We can also help them continue to foster those relationships by having kids over to share popcorn and a movie or just hang out. The parent network can be invaluable at times like this. Keeping in touch with the parents of old teammates allows us to facilitate the kids maintaining the friendship. Don’t forget old teammates when making the invitation list for a birthday or summer pool party. Letting kids express frustration without interjecting our opinion can be invaluable in diffusing bad feelings. Likewise we need to be open to them making other choices and not making popularity a deciding factor in how our kids move forward. Putting pressure on them to stay on a team for social reasons can thwart passions they should be expressing and they will undoubtedly eventually find their friends abandoning them anyway. They are young for such a short time, they should enjoy it with friends as long as possible.

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