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Parents Blog

Susan Boyd blogs on USYouthSoccer.org every Monday.  A dedicated mother and wife, Susan offers a truly unique perspective into the world of a "Soccer Mom". 

 

Now sit right back

Susan Boyd

We are the stories we tell. No matter the real truth of an event or accomplishment, most people will only know what we choose to tell them. So it's not surprising that we may embellish, restructure or omit certain facts in what we say. I got to thinking about this because of two interesting occurrences. First, my brothers and I are in the process of parceling out my father's belongings. He passed away three years ago this December, and now my stepmother is ready to sell my father's studio. So it's time to decide who gets what. The second occurrence was a recent discussion I had with my sons about their early soccer lives. They had a different memory than I did of the same event.
 
Among my father's possessions are two large antique pine chests and an antique pine dresser. My brothers knew they were very old but knew nothing about their history. Apparently I was the only one to whom my parents had told about their background. When I had first gotten married, my mom had given me the twin to the pine dresser to furnish our first apartment. At that time my dad had told me that the two dressers and the two chests had been built to fit into a wagon his great-great grandfather had used to move from Ohio to Fort Howard, WI then later to Waupun, WI. The dressers and chests were lined up on either side of the wagon with mattresses laid down the middle. The dressers held clothing, tools, dishes, and books while the chests held all the supplies such as flour, salt, cured meats, and potatoes. They hung the cooking pots, traps, and larger tools off the back of the wagon. At night they would stop and make a fire, cook, and then go to sleep on the floor of the wagon all bunched together. It was the precursor of the RV. 
 
Now I have no idea how much of this history is truth and how much is extrapolation from years of studying the migration of pioneers to the west. I do know that my ancestors moved from Ohio to Fort Howard and then to Waupun because my dad did a fair amount of detailed genealogy including having me drive him up to Waupun on a visit so he could check out documents at the local library and Congregational church when my great-great-great grandfather was a pastor. My dad also has the diary this pioneer wrote during his travels, but it doesn't really prove that this furniture was his. So I have to take my dad's word for it and also consider that I may have unwittingly embellished the story with my own preconceived notions of how one would move in a wagon in the 1840s. On the other hand, I do remember my great grandfather telling me how when he was five years old he and his family went down to the railway station to watch Lincoln's funeral train go by. I love that story because it connects me and my children to a piece of history that seems so distant but is actually just three or four generations removed. I can't verify that the story is true, but my great-grandfather was a pastor and the son of a pastor, so I'm assuming he wouldn't lie. No matter, I'm happy to repeat it because of how wonderful the story is.
 
A few years ago the boys played in at a tournament up in Green Bay. Robbie was guest playing for Bryce's team which was already playing up two years, so Robbie was playing up four years. A 13-year-old playing with 17-year-olds would already be at a height disadvantage that was only exaggerated with Robbie, who for most of his life languished in the lower 5% on the growth chart,. These U-18 players took one look at Robbie and surmised that he'd never be a threat. After his second goal, they were less sure. Finally in frustration, as Robbie was dribbling to the net, one of the opposing defenders wrapped his arms around Robbie and threw him, wrestling style, to the ground. The referee indicated play on.  Robbie, none too happy, let the referee know of his displeasure at the call and received a yellow card for his dissention. When we were talking about this recently, the boys disagreed that the referee didn't call a foul. I am sure he didn't because the foul was in the box and should have resulted in a PK. The boys are sure it happened outside the box and did result in a free kick. And my husband coyly doesn't remember either way. I like my story because it shows Robbie's feistiness and how occasionally referees erred against him because he was good enough to hold his own and didn't need their help. Told the boys' way, it's just another story of a foul.
 
In our lives we collect lots of stories and each one serves a purpose, either to illustrate a point, make us feel good, provide context to other stories or serve as a rebuttal. When our kids play lots of games, we collect lots of stories which end up as anecdotes during parties, holiday letter news or a way to connect with our past. It's not surprising that over time those stories get refined, expanded and polished into a new truth that's usually not too far off the mark, but also isn't really the way it happened. We can be forgiven for those stories because they do no harm. They aren't lies to get us out of trouble, or fabrications to bolster our resume, or stepping stones to deeper deceit. They arise out of pride and form the fabric of our past. If some of the stitches are missing or doubled up it just gives the fabric texture and originality. I'll continue to tell the story of the foul that wasn't a foul because first of all I think I'm remembering it right and second of all it doesn't matter if I'm right or not because the story is just a way to reveal something about the character of my son which is the important truth.
 
I can't ask anyone if what I remember about the chests and dresser is exactly what I heard. And even if it was, there's no telling if my dad or his father or an ancestor down the line misremembered or misrepresented the real story. It actually doesn't matter. We won't be going on Antiques Road Show and discovering that we have a chest now worth $100,000 because of that story. One brother plans to take one of the chests up to his cabin in the mountains to store blankets and pillows and another brother will use the remaining chest for his tools. Someday they'll pass those chests on and tell my story but will probably add a few highlights of their own. I plan to tell Robbie's story to his future wife and children so that they can learn the nature of this man. The story doesn't matter, but the intention does.
 

Finder's Fee

Susan Boyd

Cam Newton is arguably the best college quarterback, even the best football player, this year. But he's been embroiled in ongoing questions into his eligibility stemming from accusations of pay for play negotiations with Mississippi State by his father. As Auburn climbed into the BCS No. 1 spot last Sunday, the school faced the possibility of having Newton declared ineligible and having their wins vacated. However on Tuesday the NCAA gave Newton provisional eligibility stating that it didn't appear that Newton knew anything about his father's attempt to get a six-figure bounty for delivering Newton to Mississippi State. 

For purposes of full disclosure I received my graduate degree from University of Oregon who was number one until Auburn took over last Sunday edging out my beloved Ducks by .002 points in the rankings. Nevertheless this discussion of Newton is not sour grapes on my part. Rather, I'm concerned about parents who feel entitled to a cash reward for doing their job. That's the real point. No matter how much we spend on our kids, it's our job to support their dreams both emotionally and financially. I'm not saying that our children are entitled to unlimited contributions from our family income. But when we can afford it, we should be underwriting our children's dreams to the best of our abilities. 

If Cam Newton's father Cecil felt he was owed something for his years of sacrifice, he's wrong. If I had to place a value on what I've spent on my four children it would exceed this week's Powerball jackpot. Seriously! There isn't a college around that could pay me enough to cover what I've spent. Even if one of my children was a superstar, I couldn't imagine risking their eligibility and everything he or she had worked for by seeking some remuneration for doing my job. As things stand now, I'd merely give some coaching staff a really good laugh if I asked for money to convince my child to play for their school. All we can hope for is our kids' thanks. Robbie once told me that when he makes it big he'll get me a Lincoln Navigator. I don't really want a Lincoln Navigator, but that was his way of saying thank you, so I said thank you back. I'll never see a Lincoln Navigator or even Lincoln Logs, but I have had the pleasure of watching my children play in their respective sports and the knowledge they each had an activity that kept them involved, healthy, and happy. I'm not owed anything more than that.

Many non-sport kids have parents supporting their aspirations. There's rarely any major payoff down the road for anyone, athletes or not. But the amount of attention and money sports generate for colleges, could give the parents of athletes some wrong-headed idea that they deserve to share in the pot. Good parents support their kids whether it be sports, music, forensics, or model building. Non-athletic pursuits can require as much or more financial support than those who play sports. And I suppose there are parents of super smart kids who push for bigger scholarships by playing one college against another. But that's not money directly in their pockets. That's not a reward for being the bearer of the fruit.

Whatever our kids achieve stems from their passion and their investment in themselves. We can facilitate, but we're not out there running the field or practicing the scales. We may get up at 3 a.m. to take our son or daughter to 5 a.m. hockey practice, but that doesn't merit a paycheck. When we're so involved it's difficult not to have our ego invested in our children's accomplishments because we feel those accomplishments somehow reflect on our parental abilities. To some extent it does reflect on our parenting because if we weren't supportive, if we didn't pay for lessons or team fees, if we didn't drive to practices our kids most likely couldn't achieve in their interests. But ultimately their success falls solely to their own investment in their talents. If they don't work hard, if they don't learn from their mistakes, if they don't give 100 percent, then it won't matter how much money we throw at the situation. 

Cecil Newton deserves to be in the parent hall of shame. No matter how talented and extraordinary Cam turned out, there's no development bonus for the parent. Cecil risked his son's ability to earn the highest accolades in football including the Heisman Trophy and a national championship because he saw an opportunity to cash in. He risked not only his son's future, but the future of every player on his son's team – kids who have talent, but may have just eked by to win a coveted spot on the football team. Those kids had parents who probably made as big, or bigger, a financial investment. But they chose to respect that their obligation comes without compensation. Since the NCAA investigation is still open, there remains a chance that this will be a house of cards that collapses on Cam, his Tiger teammates, and Auburn. I don't really care what happens to Cecil, but I do care about what happens to young dedicated athletes whose only sin was guilt by association. I can't imagine my boys working hard enough to have their team reach the number one rank in the United States only to lose it all because the parent of a teammate wanted to line his pockets.   But my kids would have to wait in line to box that parent's ears. I have first dibs.

Side note: As I was writing this blog I was watching the awarding of the FIFA World Cup hosts for 2018 and 2022. Russia won for 2018 and Qatar for 2022. The United States was thwarted in their bid for 2022, so it will be back to the drawing board for 2026, although the early favorite for that year is China.
 

No Freezing or Stampeding Necessary

Susan Boyd

Black Friday is fast approaching.  Here in Wisconsin it's the penalty hunters must pay for abandoning their significant others on Thanksgiving.  While deer hunters cling to tree blinds in freezing weather at 4 a.m., their bargain hunting counterparts line up at 4 a.m. at the local big box store to stampede in and spend thousands of dollars with the hope of procuring at least one item at 90% off.  I've never done the Black Friday run, but then my husband doesn't hunt, so he's around to knock some sense into me.  Instead I spend most of October and November pouring through scores of catalogs in order to get my holiday shopping done early and easily.  I rarely achieve either goal, but at least I get to see what's out there for the soccer parent shopper.
 
I have to preface these suggestions with the following disclaimer:  Neither I nor U.S. Youth Soccer Association has any vested interest in these websites nor do we officially endorse any of these products.  I just earmark these as I come across them because I think they would make great gifts for young soccer players.  Some of them I've bought myself, but most I have just come upon in hours of catalog and web browsing.  I'll categorize these by price points – Under $20, under $50, and under $100.

UNDER $20
  • Stainless steel 10 oz. snack containers with carabiner clip keep snack items fresh even in the heat and can attach easily to backpacks or soccer bags.  Containers come in blue, black, pink, red, or green and cost $12.95.  Stainless steel 24 oz water bottles in the same color choices run $14.95.  You can mix and match snack and water containers to save $2.95 on the pair. http://www.windandweather.com/product.asp?section_id=0&department=0&search_type=normal&search_value=Water%20Bottle&cur_index=&pcode=2339

  • Looking at the sky doesn't always help you figure out what the soccer weather will be. This forecaster key chain gives the weather, time, calendar, humidity and temperature.  But that's not all.  It has a flashlight and alarm clock as well.  Clips on to a soccer bag or fits in your pocket and costs $19.95. http://www.windandweather.com/product.asp?section_id=0&department=0&search_type=normal&search_value=forecaster&cur_index=2&pcode=2112

  • Fleece Ear Bags are handy little discs which fit over the ear, won't fall off, and eliminate that plastic ear muff holder or the slippage of an ear band.  These can fit easily into a soccer bag for those days when Mother Nature has a cold.  They come in a large variety of colors, fabrics, and prints at $14.95 a pair or $12.95 if ordering 2 pair or more.  http://www.plowhearth.com/product.asp?pcode=96

  • Fleece wrist wallets are zippered wristbands for holding keys, credit cards and cash without having to drag a purse or a wallet to the game. They cost $14.95 and come in a variety of colors, fabrics, and prints.  http://www.plowhearth.com/product.asp?pcode=9954

  • Nothing is worse than muddy cleats messing up everything in the soccer bag.  These flannel shoe bags are $14.95 for 2 pair, one in baby blue and one in navy. http://www.magellans.com/store/Travel_Solutions___Packing_For_Carry_OnLP349N?Args.    For the girls there's fabulous wild print shoe bags for $20 at Etsy.  Each bag holds one pair of shoes.  http://www.etsy.com/shop/zoetote

  • Actually there is something worse than muddy cleats; it's muddy, smelly cleats and socks.  So consider buying great shoe deodorizers called Skunkies which come in your choice of five colors (Kelly Green, Fluorescent Green, Pink, Red, and Royal Blue) in Xtreme Sport scent.  These are small mesh bags with a soccer ball emblem which absorb odors and moisture.  Buy several pairs to put in soccer bags, soccer drawers, cleats, and keeper gloves.  Sold in pairs for $4.69 at Epic Sports.   http://soccer.epicsports.com/prod/14002/skunkies-soccer-ball-shoe-equipment-deodorizers.html

  • Soccer ornaments are a fun tradition for your family.  Once the kids are grown they can take the ornaments to decorate their first tree with some memories and begin their own traditions. Ornaments also make great coach and manager gifts.  Several websites have soccer ornaments at various prices, most under $15.  Here are three websites I think have the best variety:
 
UNDER $50
  • You probably remember me talking about Dry Guy dryers.  The one I own looks like an upside down table with the legs being posts on which you can put boots, gloves, hats, etc. and through which warm air blows to dry them.  I recently came across Dry Guy in a format that has two dryers that slip into the shoes and a cord to plug in.  There's no cumbersome motor base – just two dryer modules.  They come in a travel form with both a 120V AC household outlet and 12V DC car charger or a regular household format with slightly larger dryers.   Each cost $29.95.  Their advantage is that they easily slip into a soccer bag or backpack.  The disadvantage is that you can only dry two items at a time and at a slightly longer drying time than the bulkier one I own. This link takes you to the regular dryers, but if you scroll down you'll find a link to the travel version.  http://www.plowhearth.com/product.asp?pcode=12057

  • We all know how chilled to the bone we get after a cold game.  So a Back to Basics Cocoa hot drink maker is just what the family needs to warm up at home.  Just add the ingredients, use the provided mixing paddle to blend, and then heat.  The front spigot allows for easy dispensing.  $29.95 http://www.amazon.com/Back-Basics-CM300BR-Cocoa-Latte-Hot-Drink/dp/B0002TUVQM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1289611974&sr=8-1
UNDER $100
  • Here's an item for the true soccer fanatic – the FIFA World Cup DVD collection 1930-2006.  The set comprises 15 Discs with over 24 hours of viewing.  That much soccer only costs $89.99!  http://acornonline.com/fifa-world-cup-collection-1930%25962006/p/15065/

  • You may remember me talking about my search for the perfect soccer chair.  I located one that not only had a table with a cup holder, but had a heated seat as well!  I can attest that the chair is wonderful, especially for watching from Wisconsin sidelines.  But you can't always use a chair.  Sometimes you have to sit in bleachers. TempaChair offers a battery powered heated seating pad.  The pad rolls up and fits into a coat pocket or a soccer bag.  Imagine a true ""bench warmer""!  It costs $59.95 and lasts 2.5 hours on high and 4 hours on low on one charge. http://tweetys.com/tempachair-battery-powered-heated-seating-pad.aspx
 
All these websites will probably have shipping and handling charges and possibly local taxes, so the prices I've state are for the items only.  I hope you all have a great holiday shopping experience.
 
 

Hurry up and get famous

Susan Boyd

Every time I think my kids have accomplished something noteworthy I get gob-smacked by another preteen prodigy who has achieved a perfect SAT score or invented a better way to microwave bacon. The latest is a 10-year-old opera singer, Jackie Evancho from Pittsburgh, who has an album coming out next week for the holidays. She was a contestant on "America's Got Talent" (AGT) but I saw her on the "Today" show. I don't watch AGT because their child superstars make clear that my kids are remarkably ordinary. I'm delighted my kids fit in so well with their peers, but I also like having my fantasy that they will make the cover of Time magazine before they can drive.

I don't think I'm any different than any other parent. We all want the best for our kids while also validating our excellent parenting and genes. At one point I only had to compete against friends and family, but now we have YouTube highlighting world-wide phenomena daily. It's like getting your cousin's holiday newsletter extolling her kids either saving the rainforests or winning a poetry award. But instead of getting it once a year, you now get it every time you log on to AOL.  It's hard not to be jealous and to believe that brilliance touches every family but mine.

When I sit on the sidelines of a youth game and see parents coaching, demanding, and even verbally assaulting their kids to meet unrealistic expectations, I see the dark side of all this adulation of young luminaries. We lose perspective on what constitutes normal, even exemplary, performance. We make the mistake that somehow we can create the child star through sheer force of will. I don't know what's completely behind the emergence of a Jackie Evancho. She may be a very regular 10 year old with an extraordinary talent. But I suspect that there's also a mom and/or dad in the wings coaching to the point of micro-managing. We can never know for sure, although we get a boat-load of tell-all tales from child stars like Patty Duke or Macaulay Caulkin revealing some pretty horrific histories. 

I remember when I first saw 3-year-old Tiger Woods on the "Tonight" show. He was making these great shots and putts, but hovering over him directing him every second was his dad. Andre Agassi just published his memoirs, "Open", in which he details tennis as a prison from which he tried to escape. His father expected all his four children to be tennis prodigies, but only Agassi survived the grueling daily training sessions that often pulled him out of school and left him with no friends.  Despite the agony, the success of these talents only reinforces a parent's belief that his or her child will be happiest by being the greatest through intense training and constant monitoring. Hopefully most of these parents do it to insure an amazing future for their children and not out of an egotistical need to be recognized as the parents of high achievers, although I suspect the latter plays into their behaviors too often.

Even after Agassi details his horrific journey to the highest levels of men's tennis, he also admits that he has come to appreciate what that success has meant for him. Obviously this makes the process problematic. On the one hand, we parents want our kids to go as far as possible on whatever career or interest path they choose, while we also want to insure they have a childhood that they can look back on with joy. We only get one chance to do it right, and naturally we make tons of mistakes. But we don't want to have any regrets that some major talent in our children went untapped because we didn't push enough. For many of those talents we have to make decisions before our kids are old enough to have any serious input. I remember on vacation to Florida when the boys were three and four we got them tennis lessons with the hotel pro mainly so we could relax for two hours poolside without having to watch out for the boys. When the pro returned he extolled their athletic abilities and naturally suggested they continue training with him, which at $40 an hour I fully expected him to do. But then he said, "Bryce is really too old to ever become a serious tennis champion, but Robbie definitely has a chance." In ten seconds he had opened a dangerous door. What had begun as time-killing lessons could now become a serious mission to mold a new tennis sensation. We passed.

When I tell this story most people laugh and agree that we probably would have spent thousands of dollars on a long shot. But there are always a few, especially those who know how athletic Robbie is, who ask, "Don't you wonder if he could have made it?" Sure I do. I have the same fantasies about all my kids that they achieve ultra success in their chosen passions. I know that child actors, models, tennis stars, gymnasts, and figure skaters among other "professions" can start before kids are toilet trained so parents have to make the choice to pursue these dreams. I respect their decisions since only they know their family dynamics and their child's ability to handle the pressures of such early professional demands. But luckily most of youth sports evolve slowly and don't begin seriously until a child is 9 or 10. That gives the player a bigger voice in what happens. As parents we need to listen.

 Ultimately the question becomes: how different will your child's life be if he or she becomes extraordinary at a young age or simply becomes successful but typical as an adult.   The temptation to try for the former outcome is powerful. Yet the reality remains that many have tried and few have succeeded.   With no "do-overs" we'll never know which path would have been the best. Sometimes the decision can be made for us if our child is plucked from obscurity by fate – like Lana Turner being discovered at Schraft's. However, for most of us we have to decide if at age 5 knowing how to slide tackle or score 10 goals a game indicates our child has exceptional skills worthy of intense development. While most of us will decide to take pride in whatever accomplishments our kids achieve, brag and share pictures until people run when they see us coming, and give our kids an occasional push, some of us will decide to pursue an accelerated course. If your child is successful I'll try not to be jealous, but I can't promise anything.