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Parents Blog

Susan Boyd blogs on USYouthSoccer.org every Monday.  A dedicated mother and wife, Susan offers a truly unique perspective into the world of a "Soccer Mom". 

 

Knowing when to say when

Susan Boyd

I was sitting at my auto mechanic's shop, as I do at least once a month, and two hockey moms were there as well. They discussed this weekend's schedule and the upcoming weekend, which they had discovered contained no games, only practice. One mom said, "Thank goodness. I'm so worn out from games and washing uniforms. I'm not going to send Andy to practice. It'll be nice to have a break." The other mom nodded agreement. "I think we all need a break. We just got Brian's progress reports. He was doing so well this fall and now . . . we just have to regroup."

Been there. Done that. Just hearing them talk put the same knot in my stomach, the hyperventilation, the panic at keeping up with practice, travel, school work, shopping, work . . . I have to stop thinking about it or I'll end up grinding my teeth. Finding the right equilibrium in a family's life seems to be as likely as locating the Holy Grail. Coaches make demands that can't be ignored. Playing time depends on attendance at practices. Traveling games become more and more common as players develop and improve. The season starts at six weeks, grows to six months and insidiously settles in to year round in tandem with increased costs. At the same time school gets more and more difficult with intensified homework. And that's just the demands on the player. Drop in an additional child or two or three and suddenly you have a spider web of scheduling with all the stress and frustrations it causes. That affects everyone in the family.

While no parent wants to put down roadblocks to a child's progress, there are only 24 hours in a day, and despite the Beatle's allegation, there are only 7 days a week. So on occasion something has to give. Deciding when, where, and what creates even more stress. So how do you know when to say when?   

First everyone has to be considered. You may be totally burned out, but your child clamors for more. Your other children may express feeling ignored either directly or by acting out.  Your spouse may start making comments like, "Well, hello stranger."   Or you may be perfectly content to spend your time driving to practices, traveling to road games, and sleeping in cheap motels for tournaments, but no one else in the family finds that life alluring. You'll need to recognize what's working and what isn't. Then you'll need to prioritize what should come first to make things happier and more comfortable. 

Next, check things out with your child. You can tell if he or she is having fun or feeling miserable. However, sometimes a protest is a reaction to an immediate change. Every day, Robbie would say, "Do I have to go to practice? I hate soccer." I'd tell him he had to complete his commitment for the season, and he'd finally begrudgingly throw himself into the car sulking the entire way to the field. Once the evening's practice ended, I couldn't get him off the pitch.  He would hang out with the coach and a few other gung-ho players learning a new step or shooting on goal. So I quickly figured out that his burnout was acute not chronic and probably tied to the TV show he had to turn off before it was finished. Occasionally players need permission to choose something other than soccer. We always had the agreement, starting in middle school, that any significant social activities would take precedence over soccer if that's what they chose. We managed to balance out the birthday parties, school dances, and Brewers' games with the demands of soccer and school. The boys didn't miss much soccer, but it never became a drag because they knew soccer wasn't mandatory.

Since it's not always the player who's affected by a sport, listen to the rest of the family to find out what they want to do. I can't imagine that it's much fun to sit in the cold for several hours while your sibling plays a game. Make an arrangement with a non-soccer family for your other children to share play dates. They can be at a friend's house during the games and then have the friend over when you're not gone for a game. You don't need to attend every single game or tournament. Buddy up with families on the team and "child-share" for some of the events. I hated missing one of the boys' games, but with cell phones, video cameras, and vendors who sell game DVD's at tournaments, it really can be the next best thing to being there. In the meantime you've given the gift of your time and attention to another one of your children or your spouse, who can get pretty neglected if you have a strong athlete in the family.

It's clear that school should be the priority. Set a realistic minimum grade point your kids should maintain and make it clear that all activities are a privilege dependent upon maintaining that standard. If teachers suggest that your child is beginning to lag, make sure that soccer practice isn't the cause. Should things start to decline, don't be afraid to let the coach know that you're taking a break in order to address the issue and get things back on an even keel. Sports at the professional level may provide a great salary, but less than 1 percent of all youth players ever approach that status and even the best of the best can have a career ending injury. On the day she competed in the long program, figure skater Rachel Flatt had to complete a school report due the next day. Many of the Olympic athletes are still in high school and college and right in the middle of their spring semester. So they have to balance school and sport. Any youth player who hopes to play in college better be able to handle the pressures of practice and homework.

Finally, if soccer is putting your family in a financial bind, then you may need to take a short break. Check with the club to see if they offer any scholarships.  Opportunities exist for financial support through a number of agencies, so don't be shy to browse the web for applications. Unfortunately the more elite the level of sport the more expensive it becomes. So it's a terrible quandary for a family to see their son or daughter achieving success that they can't financially support. Yet nothing is worth the stress of being behind in the bills or making huge sacrifices that affect not just the player, but everyone in the family. Don't let guilt dictate a less than wise course for your family. Lots of options exist for playing that don't break the bank. And if you can't find them, then be content with the choice to take a break while you replenish the coffers.

Taking off a season or even just a few practices or a tournament may slow down a player's development, but it won't destroy it. Think of all the athletes who are forced to stop playing while an injury heals. When the player gets burned out, it won't matter how much skill he or she has. Playing unhappy isn't worth it. When a family burns out, it affects the mental and physical health of all the members. Don't be afraid to take a breather if that's what is needed. Everyone will ultimately benefit. And soccer will certainly be around, ready to take you back.
 

Sign on the dotted line

Susan Boyd

Most kids who play youth sports and many of their parents have the aspiration of getting recruited by a college and even turning pro. An NCAA athletic scholarship glimmers in our dreams as the ultimate validation of all those years scraping mud out of our floor mats and putting up with hours and hours of practice. Youth sports can rapidly switch from being something fun to do into a business. Which of us, the first time Jack or Jill dribbled the ball across the field, didn't at least fleetingly think ka-ching? 

So last month when a 13-year-old boy from Delaware, David Sills, made a verbal commitment with University of Southern California (USC) to play quarterback for the school beginning in 2015, parents everywhere perked up. Apparently David already stands six feet tall, has a tremendous throwing arm, and possesses a good eye for the field. It certainly got me thinking. It's too late for my kids, but I have a nine year old grandson who plays football, forced three fumbles this year and had two sacks. He's already the tallest player on his team and has played football for four years. Perhaps I should tout him as a prospect. I have game film if anyone is interested.

At first glance there's a lot wrong with this situation, but put in a larger context it is pretty normal outside of the U.S. First of all, a verbal commitment is only as good as the paper it's written on. Essentially neither party has to adhere to the commitment, and certainly USC will drop this kid faster than Warren Moon making one of his 161 fumbles if David falters in any way during the next five years. Plus David still has to meet USC's admission policies and he hasn't even started high school. So while he does all the normal growing up of a teenager - plays, gets into trouble, faces puberty, suffers injuries, and attempts to do well in school - he's also got this strange duality of promise to mess with his head. At thirteen he's won the lottery – only problem is that it doesn't pay out for sure. So while he is thrust into the spotlight and the pressure that creates for him, he really has no guarantees. Imagine the devastation to his ego if all the hype simply leads to the same outcome most youth sports participants face: cheering on the team from the bleachers.

On the flip side, around the world thousands of soccer players join professional organizations for development when they are David's age. They are commodities that are owned, sold, or traded by the clubs. They give up on a normal education and childhood in order to train daily for hours. While the American Academy of Pediatrics warns that children should participate in a wide variety of sports because "young athletes who specialize in just one sport may be denied the benefits of varied activity while facing additional demands from intense training and competition," you won't read a report like that in England, Argentina, or Ghana. Youth athletes clamor to be picked up by the clubs knowing full well that there are no assurances that they will become part of a professional team when they reach 18. 

Likewise the Winter Olympics showcase athletes who committed long before age 13 to their sport. In many countries athletes are scouted and recruited when they are still of single digit age, and then they are moved to a training facility and give up a normal childhood for the good of the sport. After years of sacrifice, separation from family, limited education, and hours and hours of training, they may see it culminate in a medal, but more likely they will end up in 26th place or even have great promise disappear completely in a blown triple axel. 

Nevertheless what parent hasn't secretly thought about his or her child standing on the podium, or throwing the winning touchdown pass in the Rose Bowl, or making the World Cup team? We all have to admit that given the opportunity for our children to achieve at that level, we would consider it. And naturally a youngster, inundated with the sparkling images of hero athletes, would want to grab the brass ring when offered a chance to participate in that experience. But for anyone considering such a move, one has to ask who really wants it – the child or the parents? The answer to that question makes all the difference. While the parent may finance and support the dream, the player is the one who has to get up at 5 a.m. for training, finish homework in the team bus, suffer aches and pains most of us won't feel until we're 80, and come back from injury time and time again. If it's not the player's dream, then there's no motivation to get through it all. 

I'm not appalled by David Sills' decision. If David played soccer in England this story wouldn't merit more than a single line in his hometown newspaper – "Local Lad Signs with Liverpool." So we need to put away our indignation that his parents would allow this, and look instead at how this media event will affect David going forward. Whether or not he eventually plays for USC isn't really the issue. Rather it's the pressure he'll feel to live up to the promise, and failing on a national stage if he doesn't. That's a heavy load for anyone, but even heavier for a 13 year old. Hopefully his parents will understand that he has a long journey ahead of him and help him navigate the ups and downs and possible curtailment of that journey. If they don't consider anything less than playing for USC a failure, if they accept that David may change his mind, if they can help him through a career-ending injury, and if they can put achieving the goal in proper perspective, then he'll probably come out of this just fine.

Before we parents get jealous that our child isn't being pursued in middle school we need to remember that elite athletics come with a very heavy price. Psychologically, physically, and socially athletes end up sacrificing most of what we would call a normal childhood with absolutely no assurance of succeeding. That road isn't for the faint of heart or most kids. While we revere athletic prowess to the point of sainthood, we should remember that someone has to build the stadiums they play in, run the cameras that record their achievements, design their uniforms, engineer their transportation, heal their injuries, and write the articles making them heroes or goats. Those careers don't get the same adulation, but they come with a steady pay check, pride in a job well done, and free time to enjoy life. We all just want our children to be happy, and happiness comes in many forms.
 

Vision

Sam Snow

I recently sent a coach a copy of the Vision document which gives facts on youth soccer player development and how we can measure improvement.  He had this to say after he had read it.

"Thanks for the article. I believe very strongly that coaches are incredibly influential in the lives of each and every player. We are not there to merely teach them how to pass and dribble, but more importantly, [know that] soccer can be a vehicle in which to teach life skills and characteristics that will enrich their lives and their future. Most players do not have the opportunity to play professional sports. It is therefore imperative that personality traits have been developed that will set them apart, and aid their growth as a teenager and then as an adult."

Here are a few samples from the Vision document.

Indeed how do we measure player development? Too often in America a professional sport model is used in measuring youth sports success. Youth soccer is not immune to this misapplied standard. For soccer the situation is made worse by a desire of many adults to use measuring tools from other sports. In fact, it is maddening to many adults that soccer is not as black and white as with some sports in judging successful play. Many team sports played in our nation are statistically driven and coach centered. Soccer is neither of those! Indeed, just like the Laws of the Game, our sport has many shades of grey within it.

The analogy can be made to a youngster's academic development in preparation for work in the adult business world. While the child is in primary and secondary school the corporate world measurements of success are not applied. Those business assessments are not yet appropriate because the school-aged student does not yet have the tools to compete in the adult business environment. The knowledge and skills to be a competitor in business are still being taught and learned. This holds true in soccer as well!

If you would like to receive a copy of the Vision document then just drop me a line and I'll be glad to send a copy to you.

Well now, it's off to the 2010 US Youth Soccer adidas Workshop.  This is an annual exchange of information for coaches, administrators and referees.  And then of course, the stories we can all tell about our life in youth soccer.  I hope to see you in Ft. Worth, Texas this week.
 

Workshop in Fort Worth

Sam Snow

Next week the 2010 US Youth Soccer adidas Workshop will take place in Fort Worth, Texas. This annual convention for coaches, administrators and referees offers a wonderful opportunity for the 900,000 administrators, coaches and referees (most of whom are volunteers) to come together in one location to exchange information and ideas on youth soccer in the U.S.

Most folks who attend likely don't realize the work that goes into pulling off such an event. Planning begins several years ahead with the selection of the city and venue for the event. Many factors go into the selection process including the spaces for demo sessions and classes.

The nitty gritty for each Workshop begins a year out and, of course, picks up pace as we get closer to the opening day. The host State Association where a Workshop is held is a key player within the team that makes each Workshop a success. The State Association promotes the event with its members, gets volunteers to assist with a multitude of tasks, and through its clubs, gets the players for each of the demonstration sessions. The quality of each Workshop is credited to the host State Association and the US Youth Soccer staff. The national office staff puts in hundreds of hours to drive an event that is a service to our referees, coaches, administrators and members.

I'd like to give you some insights to many of the first-rate presenters who will be available to you at the 2010 Workshop & Coaches Convention in Fort Worth. For our coaches, referees and administrators, there'll be sessions that will educate and inspire. We'll have sessions for the technical development of mainstream players, select players and special needs players. The presenters include the US Youth Soccer Technical Department. Alongside us in the coaching tracks are Jeff Tipping, the NSCAA director of coaching; Dr. Don Kirkendall from the University of North Carolina and FIFA's Medical Assessment and Research Centre; Gary Williamson, technical director for North Texas Soccer; Dan Gaspar, head coach for men at the University of Hartford and goalkeeper coach for the Portugal Men's National Team; Oscar Pareja, FC Dallas director of player development, plus many more outstanding American coaches.

For our colleagues in officiating and administration, some of the top class clinicians are Larry Monaco, president of US Youth Soccer; Rodney Kenney; Alfred Kleinaitis; John Kukitz, chairman of the Soccer Start Committee; Todd Roby, US Youth Soccer director of communications; Dr. Dan Freigang; Charlie Kadupski among many others.

With help from many of the North Texas soccer clubs, we'll have on hand some wonderful young players to assist the coaches in showing you the best in the craft of coaching. Plus the very popular Kick Zone for local players to come and try out their skills. FC Dallas players will join you there!

Did I mention the Awards Gala with the presentations of the Dr. Thomas Fleck Award, Coach of the Year honors and more? There will be exhibits, meetings, sharing of information and experiences along with new and old friendships. Join us for a fabulous time with those who support and guide youth soccer in our country.
 
At the Workshop there's something for everyone!  The sessions are first rate and aimed at the needs of youth soccer. Check out the sessions and clinicians here.