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Parents Blog

Susan Boyd blogs on USYouthSoccer.org every Monday.  A dedicated mother and wife, Susan offers a truly unique perspective into the world of a "Soccer Mom". 

 

Hard Choices

Susan Boyd

I like to watch the show "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" about a couple who had a set of twins. Then they decided to try for one more child and ended up with sextuplets. It's a reality show, where they follow the family a few days each week to see what they are up to. I like the show because it gives me hope that I can continue to handle the much smaller family I have and it inspires me with the relative calm the parents possess.   I also find myself wondering what they would do if all the kids wanted to do sports, and they all chose different sports. I'd like to see them stay calm in the face of that scheduling. Yes, I'm inherently nasty when I get jealous.

Motherhood is all about choices. Some choices are easier than others: do I scrub the toilets or take the kids to the park? Other choices are more difficult: do I let my 12 year old watch an R rated movie that all his friends have seen? Most of our choices have adamant naysayers ready to judge the decisions we make. "You aren't breastfeeding?" "She's not potty trained yet?" "You let him have soda?" We all know the instant we broke down and bought the Barbie doll for our daughter despite our misgivings. We remember the watershed moment we gave in to that "rated T for Teens" video game. Eventually our best intentions can't withstand the outside pressure from TV ads, our kids' playmates, even other parents.  We cave and feel guilty. But we also discover that our daughters and sons don't have bad body images and don't end up serial killers. We lament the loss of innocence and move on to the next round of choices that likely will involve body piercing and tattoos.

Some choices are inevitable and unavoidable. I hate the choice I have to make when Bryce has a game in one place and Robbie's at another. It requires some creativity to take some of the sting out of the experience. Cell phones have eased the separation dilemma appreciably. I can get and give regular updates on a game's progress. It's not the same as being there, but it does allow me to feel a part of the action in a small way. Video taping is out of the question. First of all, we barely have enough hours in the day to see games live and to get through all the EPL games we've TiVoed. Second, I'm terrible at filming. Every time I sense something good is going to happen, I have to see it with my own two eyes, so I lower the camera. We have an entire library of soccer tapes that I call anti-highlights. It's kind of like someone came in and cut out the best moments of the games leaving us the generic bits. We can watch Robbie darting towards the goal, and then it cuts to the ground while a cheering soundtrack plays over the jiggly shots of grass and feet. By the time I rotate the camera back, it's to see the team lined up for a kick-off. Or when the opponents get ready to fire, I drop the camera to watch Bryce's spectacular save, and then get the camera back in focus in time to see the team receiving his punt or throw. Any college coach who wants to see a highlight DVD of our boys will need to use his imagination.

Other choices have to be made in the quagmire of societal expectations. For example, the boys don't remember, but I used to make dinner every night. Once sports began to take a serious foothold in our lives, I had to decide what to do about supper. When practice ended, the boys wanted to eat immediately. I tried the Crock Pot route, but you can only eat so many meals cooked in a ceramic tub. Luckily we had a wonderful family restaurant on the way home from the fields. They had great, fresh food, which was reasonably priced. We ate there so often, that when we parked our car out front, the waitresses would see and have our drinks waiting for us at our favorite table! Despite the fact that we were eating out instead of at home, we were eating together, talking, and free of television. I admit to a bit of rationalizing the worthiness of that choice, but overall I still say it was a good one. Still, I had admitting to that choice because it involves me not living up to the mother code of behavior.

And I have paid for that choice which has led to what I call the "menu mentality." The boys think I should run a short order kitchen. If I make spaghetti I'm told "I don't want spaghetti. I want a burger." So I naturally tell the story of growing up with four brothers and sitting down for dinner every night. My dad would arrive home at 6:10 p.m., get a glass of milk and two cookies, sit on the couch and read the newspaper until 6:30 p.m. when we would all sit in the dining room (yes, the dining room) to cheerfully and gratefully eat whatever my mother cooked for us. We never ate out. The boys just look at me like I'm a dinosaur. Rather than battle "menu mentality" I've decided I'll cook regularly again when the boys are gone to college. My hope is that when they return they'll be so glad not to have dorm food that they will gobble up whatever I serve. I made the decision because I don't want to fight anymore. My decision is probably not your choice and you may judge me for it, but I'm doing what works, and I choose to save my battles for things like tattoos. What we ultimately choose in life is dictated by all the choices we have made before and less and less by what others will think of those choices. So I figure it's inevitable. Those perfect parents, Jon and Kate, will have eight kids running around with sleeve tattoos and nose rings. It will vindicate all my choices good or bad.
 

Sticks and Stones

Susan Boyd

For some inexplicable reason I have been watching "American Idol" this season. Other than some of the preliminary rounds with all the awkward, tone deaf William Hungs believing they can actually win a recording contract, I've pretty much ignored the program. This year the nephew of one of my husband's patients, Danny Gokey, is on the show, so I guess that's the curiosity. What I've discovered is that the real point of the series isn't for the contestants to win. No, it's for the public to judge them and not just with a weekly vote. Idol bashing has risen to the status of a new public sport. Each contestant is run through the ridicule mill facing criticism about wardrobe, dance, tattoos, voice, facial hair, hair, hair color, and personality. Simon Cowell doesn't even figure in these slam downs. Normally thoughtful and rational people suddenly become nasty, back-biting fiends when they discuss the show.

Reality shows in general bring out the armchair critic in us. We have an opinion about every aspect of someone's else life just because we can. Having "The Bachelor" in our living rooms one hour a week for twelve weeks gives us the right to decide who his wife should be. We can get as upset about someone getting voted out of the tribe as we would if it were our own mother being sent to the gulags. So perhaps it is no surprise that we find ourselves offering up our critiques on an eight year old's ability to pass under pressure or a coach's choices for the starting line-up. We have been validated as experts. After all, the fate of America's Idol rests in our hands!

We live in a media world where people's fates can be decided with the beep of a buzzer or a cell phone call to the number on the screen. We zap our enemies instantly on the video screen. We can order anything (and I mean that literally) on Ebay with a few clicks of our mouse. So it's no wonder we think we have the right to offer running commentary on our child's soccer game.

Stand on the side lines of any soccer game and you will hear a chorus of opinions freely and loudly expressed. We criticize the opponents. We criticize our fellow players. We criticize the coaches. We criticize the referees. We even criticize the parents. You've heard the comments and, admit it, you've made the comments. "He can't pass." "She's a ball hog." "I swear I could coach better than he can." And those are the just the observations I can repeat on a family web site.  The more passionate we become, the more X-rated the vocalizations grow. We forget we aren't in our living room shouting at the screen, "He's an idiot for picking her." When we're at the soccer field we're in a crowd of people who actually love "the idiot" and think he's doing a bang up job.

Most players are too young and too innocent to be the object of our judgment. How often have you spent the ride home in the car critiquing the entire game and judging the individual player performances?  Such evaluations can model for our impressionable children undesirable behaviors. They are learning to aim the magnifying glass at others, rather than on themselves. And if you think those comments don't spread beyond the car, then you live in a fool's paradise. Of course sometimes we make our comments public. Sideline chatter regularly turns to assessments of the players, frequently focusing on the opposition. The problem is that in the close confines those comments might be overheard by the parent of our target. Those stinging remarks can affect relationships not to mention stirring up immediate conflict. I've seen my share of sideline battles brought on by an overheard observation. I came close to erupting when someone accused my eleven year old son of "flopping." I was surprised at how much I was personally offended by the remark. It showed me the power of words.

We grow up hearing "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," which is a noble concept and totally unrealistic. Words hurt us all the time. We have all been the object of some form of ridicule which you think would give us pause when dishing it out. But our culture and the sense that in this huge world we are somehow anonymous embolden us. We may express our views in hushed tones under our breath to the person next to us and believe it won't go any further, but the grape vine curls everywhere. Our words have tremendous power to harm. While we'll never be able to totally stop the urge to criticize, we can all try to be more mindful of where and when we exercise our expertise. So keep delivering those reality show verdicts. After all, Simon Cowell's balance sheet depends on your continued disparagement of the contestants.
 

Relive Pain with PRICE

Sam Snow

If you experience a sprain or strain while playing soccer, a method known as PRICE is a good way to relieve pain and reduce swelling. After a few days of the PRICE method, most sprains, strains, pulls and tears should begin to heal.
 
Try the PRICE method for your next injury.
 
Protect: Protect the injured area from further injury by using braces or crutches.
 
Rest: Rest the injured area by discontinuing painful activity.
 
Ice: Cold packs – either an ice pack or a bag of frozen vegetables – can provide short-term pain relief as well as reduce swelling by limiting the blood flow to the injury.
 
Compression: Wrapping an elastic bandage snugly around the injured area can decrease swelling and speed up the healing process. (Wrap towards the heart.)
 
Elevation: If possible, keep the area elevated above the level of the heart to help reduce swelling.
 
When to See a Physician
Although every injury situation is different, if the player is not able to withstand the pain or the ability to move is limited, then a visit to a physician is in order. Pain and swelling that last a few days without getting better are other indications that a physician should evaluate the injury.
 

Rare Meeting

Sam Snow

It is rare to have such a meeting; well actually it likely never occurs anywhere other than the United States, as occurred last Wednesday. The annual State Technical Directors meeting took place at the 2009 US Youth Soccer adidas Workshop. But this year's meeting was special with the addition of the U.S. Men's National Team head coach, Bob Bradley joining us. Coach Bradley spoke to the State Association Technical Directors on the current status of the U.S. Men's National Team and how the team is performing. A great dialog took place among the coaches as we spoke about player development and international competition. It was clear that many of the challenges club coaches face in developing youth players and improving team performance are also faced by the National Team staff. So no matter what the level of play is there's always room for improvement.
 
We finished off the morning session with reports from the US Youth Soccer Technical Department and the Coaching Committee. The best was yet to come in the afternoon session.
 
Joining the coaches in the afternoon were several state association presidents and executive directors, as well as luminaries from US Youth Soccer and U.S. Soccer. The afternoon meeting began with Larry Monaco, president of US Youth Soccer; Sunil Gulati, president of U.S. Soccer; Jim Cosgrove, executive director of US Youth Soccer; Dan Flynn, general secretary of U.S. Soccer, Bob Bradley, head coach of the US Men's National Team; Kevin Payne, chair of the U.S. Soccer Technical Committee; John Hackworth, Development Academy Technical Director for U.S. Soccer; Jay Berhalter, assistant general secretary of U.S. Soccer; Hugo Perez from the U.S. Soccer staff; Kati Hope, manager of the U. S. Soccer Coaching Department; four of the U.S. Soccer National Staff Coaches; Jeff Tipping, Director of Coaching for the National Soccer Coaches Association of America; Robin Russell, from the UEFA Technical Staff and three US Youth Soccer ODP regional head coaches. It is easily said that almost every real mover and shaker in American soccer was in that room last Wednesday afternoon. So what did we talk about? The national implementation of the recommendations and guidelines in the book Best Practices for Coaching Soccer in the United States. The document is currently available for download or hard copy purchase at http://www.ussoccer.com/articles/viewArticle.jsp_280734.html. Both US Youth Soccer and U. S. Soccer are promoting and urging soccer clubs all across our nation to put into action the Best Practices philosophy! Ultimately, the document helps to organize a body of work originally created by many current and former U.S. Soccer coaches as position statements regarding club soccer or as curriculum for coaching education courses. It serves as a compilation of what U.S. Soccer considers to be an appropriate and responsible approach to developing soccer players.
 
At the core of "Best Practices for Coaching Soccer in the United States" is the belief that there is not just "one way" to teach soccer to players, nor is there just one style of coaching. These player development guidelines highlight that there is a broad spectrum of styles and methods for how everyone experiences the game. Some of these factors come from a player's background, while some of them are a product of a player's own personality.
 
At the youth and junior levels, however, there is a set of fundamental principles that should be considered by anyone coaching soccer. The starting point of these principles is that young soccer players require a certain amount of uninterrupted play, which allows them to experience soccer first hand. These young players should be allowed the opportunity to experiment, and with that, succeed and fail. A coach's long-term goal is to prepare a player to successfully recognize and solve the challenges of a game on his or her own. It is vital that the coach approaches soccer with this in mind.
 
It was clear by the end of our meeting last Wednesday that the coaches and administrators in attendance agreed with the goals and objectives within the Best Practices document. We hope you will join us and do your part to fully implement these principles!